IT’S NOT ALL FLOWERS AND SORRYS

Everywhere I go lately, it seems like people are screwing up and hurting others, but no one seems capable of cranking out a proper apology. Most people do not even seem to know what constitutes a proper apology. I have witnessed an amazing amount of bad behavior, and people just stand there in situations that seem to have APOLOGIZE written all over them… and they do nothing. Or, worse in my book, people that make pseudo-apologies and then do the same thing all over again.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I must explain not only when to apologize to someone, but how to go about it.

WHEN DO YOU APOLOGIZE?

You need to apologize every single time you do something that is wrong or that is hurtful to someone else – whether you meant to hurt them or not. Now, this is hard for a lot of people because it involves doing something most people are not good at – admitting that they’re not right. It doesn’t matter if you’re right or not. If the other person is hurt by something you did, and you want to maintain a good relationship with this person, you need to apologize for whatever it is that upset them.

IT’S NOT ALL FLOWERS AND SORRYS

An apology is so much more than simply saying “I’m sorry.” Don’t get me wrong, saying “I’m sorry” is a big part of it, but it’s really just the beginning. The other person needs to know that you recognize that what you did was hurtful and possibly wrong, that you feel bad about whatever cold, callous, hellacious thing you did, and that you GENUINELY want to do your best not to do it again. If it was a really bad thing that you did, you may need to discuss just what the hell you were thinking when you did it, as well as showing a gesture of sincere regret. If your apology does not have all of these pieces to it, it will not come across as sincere in the slightest bit.

IMPORTANT – It is not enough to say you’re sorry and then not change your behavior. Without the desire to not reenact this atrocity you’ve concocted, your apology isn’t worth a pile of magic beans.

INSINCERE APOLOGIES

Let’s be overly honest for a second. If you’re only apologizing because you want the other person to keep liking you, or because you want to smooth things over, but don’t actually understand what you’ve done to upset them, or just don’t give a rat’s ass that what you’ve done has upset them, and you have no desire to change your ways, but you say “I’m sorry” anyway, you’re giving an insincere apology. This is lying. It is condescending. It’s really misleading. In fact, if you do this, you now owe the person ANOTHER apology.

Insincere apologies are like false advertising. You’re pretending you’re doing something you’re not. You’re pretending to be something you’re not. When you apologize to a person, that person assumes that you are willing to do all the things we’ve already talked about – admit it, accept it, apologize for it, and try to change it. If you aren’t willing to do all of that, then you’re really not only misrepresenting your intentions, you’re adding to your own crappy behavior.

And just bringing a girl flowers as a way of saying you’re sorry is not acceptable. The flowers will be dead in five days. Your apology better not be.

I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG

There are times that you will feel, whether rightly or wrongly, that you have nothing to apologize for. If there’s a situation that you want to smooth over, but you don’t actually feel badly about it or have any desire to change your behavior, there are other ways of doing so than going with the insincere apology. Try saying something to the effect of “I’m sorry that you were hurt by me saying/doing/being (enter your own mistake here).” This gives the other person the chance to see that you want to work things out, but that you probably won’t be changing your behavior in the near future. That leaves it up to them to decide whether or not they can live with that.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Plain and simple, if you did something wrong and you feel bad, and you want to make a change, apologize. If you don’t want to apologize, don’t apologize. We live in a world where people expect apologies. I disagree completely. I would rather you tell me straight out, “I’m not going to apologize, because I (and then explain your reasoning), but I think we can work around this and remain friends/dating/married/etc.” I would much rather have that than an insincere piece of crap apology where you go out and do the same thing ten minutes or fourteen days later. Don’t just say it. Mean it.

~ by jamessabata on December 18, 2007.