IT’S NOT ALL FLOWERS AND SORRYS

Everywhere I go lately, it seems like people are screwing up and hurting others, but no one seems capable of cranking out a proper apology. Most people do not even seem to know what constitutes a proper apology. I have witnessed an amazing amount of bad behavior, and people just stand there in situations that seem to have APOLOGIZE written all over them… and they do nothing. Or, worse in my book, people that make pseudo-apologies and then do the same thing all over again.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I must explain not only when to apologize to someone, but how to go about it.

WHEN DO YOU APOLOGIZE?

You need to apologize every single time you do something that is wrong or that is hurtful to someone else – whether you meant to hurt them or not. Now, this is hard for a lot of people because it involves doing something most people are not good at – admitting that they’re not right. It doesn’t matter if you’re right or not. If the other person is hurt by something you did, and you want to maintain a good relationship with this person, you need to apologize for whatever it is that upset them.

IT’S NOT ALL FLOWERS AND SORRYS

An apology is so much more than simply saying “I’m sorry.” Don’t get me wrong, saying “I’m sorry” is a big part of it, but it’s really just the beginning. The other person needs to know that you recognize that what you did was hurtful and possibly wrong, that you feel bad about whatever cold, callous, hellacious thing you did, and that you GENUINELY want to do your best not to do it again. If it was a really bad thing that you did, you may need to discuss just what the hell you were thinking when you did it, as well as showing a gesture of sincere regret. If your apology does not have all of these pieces to it, it will not come across as sincere in the slightest bit.

IMPORTANT – It is not enough to say you’re sorry and then not change your behavior. Without the desire to not reenact this atrocity you’ve concocted, your apology isn’t worth a pile of magic beans.

INSINCERE APOLOGIES

Let’s be overly honest for a second. If you’re only apologizing because you want the other person to keep liking you, or because you want to smooth things over, but don’t actually understand what you’ve done to upset them, or just don’t give a rat’s ass that what you’ve done has upset them, and you have no desire to change your ways, but you say “I’m sorry” anyway, you’re giving an insincere apology. This is lying. It is condescending. It’s really misleading. In fact, if you do this, you now owe the person ANOTHER apology.

Insincere apologies are like false advertising. You’re pretending you’re doing something you’re not. You’re pretending to be something you’re not. When you apologize to a person, that person assumes that you are willing to do all the things we’ve already talked about – admit it, accept it, apologize for it, and try to change it. If you aren’t willing to do all of that, then you’re really not only misrepresenting your intentions, you’re adding to your own crappy behavior.

And just bringing a girl flowers as a way of saying you’re sorry is not acceptable. The flowers will be dead in five days. Your apology better not be.

I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG

There are times that you will feel, whether rightly or wrongly, that you have nothing to apologize for. If there’s a situation that you want to smooth over, but you don’t actually feel badly about it or have any desire to change your behavior, there are other ways of doing so than going with the insincere apology. Try saying something to the effect of “I’m sorry that you were hurt by me saying/doing/being (enter your own mistake here).” This gives the other person the chance to see that you want to work things out, but that you probably won’t be changing your behavior in the near future. That leaves it up to them to decide whether or not they can live with that.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Plain and simple, if you did something wrong and you feel bad, and you want to make a change, apologize. If you don’t want to apologize, don’t apologize. We live in a world where people expect apologies. I disagree completely. I would rather you tell me straight out, “I’m not going to apologize, because I (and then explain your reasoning), but I think we can work around this and remain friends/dating/married/etc.” I would much rather have that than an insincere piece of crap apology where you go out and do the same thing ten minutes or fourteen days later. Don’t just say it. Mean it.

KEEPING YOUR OPTIONS OPEN

I want to talk about options and I want to use Tove Aldrich’s article, The T-Spot: Dating in Vermillion Leaves You ‘Screwed,’ as a jumping point, but this is in no way simply a response to that now infamous T-Spot article. Maybe I’m reading it wrong (which seems to be a common accusation), but I didn’t feel that she was telling everyone to go whoring around, but simply to keep your options open.

But my problem with the article has nothing to do with what she did or did not say or mean to say or with what she supposedly was or was not telling people to go do. It has to do with the fact that the article was limited to Vermillion, like this is just some sort of a disease that survives here and nowhere else. In my opinion, dating, in general, will leave you screwed. I also have a problem with the fact that so many people seem to feel the same way as Tove.

What happened to forever? When did it quit being an option? What happened to a girl being interested in something more than a night or two of fun (or possibly even a few months of good times) but nothing more? What happened to “something more?”

To clarify, I don’t mean forever like a children’s fairy tale. I’m not talking about Princes and Princesses falling madly in love at first sight. I’m not even necessarily talking about happy ever after. I’m simply questioning the status of being with someone with the goal of an actual relationship. What happened to boyfriend/girlfriend as something more than a facebook status? What happened to meeting each other’s families? Getting to know each other?

Don’t get me wrong, there’s really nothing wrong with the occasional hook up, booty call, or one night stand. I guess I’m just looking for something more.

As almost anyone in Vermtown can tell you, sex is everywhere, if you’re willing to get it. You can pick up girls/guys at the bars, the games, even the library if you try. So it’s not like hookups aren’t going to happen. I mean, there’s a study on page B4 of the current issue of the Volante entitled, “Survey Says Hook Ups Rising Among College Students” showing that more young people are getting into relationships and not just having one night stands. However, the cynical part of me can’t help but wonder how warped the results are in that it doesn’t take the almighty booty call into account. I’ve hooked up with a few girls that solely want it when they want it, and don’t want any of the other BS that goes with a relationship, and I understand the beauty of the concept. I really do.

I just wish there was something more out there. It’s getting harder and harder to believe that there is, though.

Perhaps that’s it. Maybe it really is that simple. Maybe it’s not that people want to date several people at once, but that no one wants to deal with all the other stuff that goes with being in a relationship. If you never get to know the other person, you don’t have to worry about getting hurt. You don’t have to feel you’ve missed your shot. You never have to worry about finding that the other person loves someone new. You don’t have to deal with all the awkward feelings when they go on a date with some other guy. Perhaps forever doesn’t matter. Perhaps it really is enough to grab some dinner, open some Syrah, kick back and watch Grandma’s Boy with that girl you’ve always liked. But it would be nice to know that it could lead to forever.

I just think that if we’re going to keep our options open, it’s better that we keep them all open.